You Raise Me Up

It's been a tough month. I hate complaining, I mean, I love complaining, but I hate that I complain. So Tony ran out to run and errand, and I took the opportunity to pray and worship. I put on some Selah, an amazing group that has been around for years and years. I love hymns. I was raised with hymns, and I have my favorites that I am able to completely worship. So I started off by listening/singing to 'It Is Well' on. Oh how I love this song. And sure enough I found myself listening to them all, and finally I ended up at 'You Raise Me Up'. The original title of this post was, "I bless Your name, I bless Your name." Let me get into what this is really about:

I identify with the song, "I bless Your name." It's a short, simple, and powerful song. It explains my situation perfectly, except I always forget the praise part when I'm wrapped up in chains. Here are the lyrics, because if you truly are reading this, then I think it's important for you to know exactly what I'm feeling.

In prisoner’s chains with bleeding stripes
Paul and Silas prayed that night
And in their pain began to see
Their chains were loosed and they were free

I bless your name
I bless your name
I give you honor, give you praise
You are the life, the truth, the way
I bless your name

Some midnight hour if you should find
You’re in a prison of your mind
Reach out praise, defy those chains
And they will fall in Jesus’ name

I bless your name
I bless your name
I give you honor, give you praise
You are the life, the truth, the way
I bless your name

See, things have been interesting the past few years. Some may argue that it was my decisions that led me down a harder path, however I don't care to argue anymore. It is what it is, and this is life, and I have to make it through just like everyone else. I love my life, but no one said that this life was easy. And it's not. It's hard, and terrible, and painful. Full of lies, deceit, and terror. It's hard to see the hand of God holding me up in the midst of the madness. When family members turn their backs, or disrespect you. Or when the perfect stranger turns out to be the perfect downer on the wrong day. Terrible news, or a blindsided event. Sickness, loss of security, imprisonment...these things happen in our day to day lives, and we are called to praise the Lord for His hand. We are called to trust that He knows exactly what his plan of action is. I, am called to give thanks for the hardship and not fret.

But, it's harder than that, isn't it? It's incredibly hard to sit down and bless God's name, even when there aren't distractions holding us back. There's always an excuse to not praise God. And that's especially true in the midst of a really long, brutal storm. But what He tells us is that our situation is all the encouragement we need to fall to our knees and pray to Him. To be honest and forth coming about what's making our hearts heavy. 

So I want to do just that, I want to be honest with you, and in the midst of that, be honest with God, because this is one form of praise that I give Him.

I've been angry for a long time. The more time goes on, the more things pile up to be upset about. I've been angry for years and years and years. It's been a tough road even before I lost my virginity, even before drugs and alcohol (So those of you that blame those things, can no longer mention those events), before high school, before boy friends and friends. It's been a tough road. I had to pick up a lot of the slack that people before me had dropped and I had to make due for most of my pre-adult life. I've had the ball dropped on me a lot. And lonely times when I really needed something specific but people that were supposed to help me gave me the opposite. These times have been hard. In the past month, I've had to move me and my son around twice. It's been stressful and quite exhausting. I've been let down by people and family that I trusted, and ended up piling more anger on top of the years. 

I've made a fool of myself, and a fool of my family. I've not shown the love of Christ to those who need it, and I've dropped the ball on a lot of people. I've left slack that was my responsibility for other family and friends to tend to while I sulk. I've been lying to God and to myself. I've been longing for more, and always searching for a break. Always looking back and saying, "I refuse to do that to my life!" And then when things start to seem as if that's what is truly happening, I freak, AKA I haven't trusted God's plan. I'm a spoiled brat that pouts when she doesn't get her way. I give attitude with my eyes, and I sigh with my mouth. I'm called to smile with my eyes and love with my mouth. I've been short with my son...and that just kills me. I just feel terrible, like a terrible mother, andI know he deserves nothing but a constant, steady love and grace. The same that I've always longed for in a person. I'm rude and cold, pissed and exhausted. Did I mention that I'm exhausted? I really am. So tired of trying to change and tired of trying to please. Tired of trying to watch my words and my attitude, not step on toes- it's not my fault you all are so stinkin' sensitive! See? There's the attitude. I've been cheating myself of happiness and it steals it from the ones around me. 

I am so incredibly sorry, Lord. My faith is unsteady and weak. I have all sorts of chains that bind me to my sin, that I can't control, it's simply too heavy now. I'm turing into a resentful stuffer, and I'm not talking to You anymore. I have no friends, and few family. And my own family, Tony and Drake, get the worst end of the bargain. Thank you for blessing me with Drake. He's wonderful, he's perfect, and I would NEVER have my life any differently if it meant that he couldn't be in it.  Thank you for Tony, the man of my dreams is the love of my life. Lord, you and I will be talking later, in a more private situation. But I'm exhausted, and I need You. Please hold my hand tonight. 

Amen

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

I want to adopt this attitude. Sometimes, I see the areas where life has handed me lemons, and I don't quite know what to do accept be silent and stare off. This method seems to be working, I think. But what about those people who do make lemonade? That don't look at any situation as an inconvenience but instead an opportunity. That'd be nice to see life in a brighter light. Not to look at people and go, "What a disgrace." Or, "Not again." Maybe, "Do these things ever stop happening?" That seems to be me a lot. So much so that it becomes laughable and predictable. 

But I hate that outlook. I really do. I'm pretty melancholy already, so when crappy things keep happening, I just nod, because, let's face it, my time of two days going good was about up. 

So how did God intend for me to suffer? Was it sorrowful? Or overwhelming? Maybe even hopeless? Those are all genuine feelings that I feel right now. Or did He intend for me to suffer with glee? And joy? What about being happy about the hard times? Rejoicing? And all that sounds great on paper, but to apply that to a current situation, or situations to come...ha ha, that's a different story. Not only that, but HARD. 

"That that don't kill me can only make me stronger." I can't stand Kayne West, but his song "Stronger" is one of my all time favorites. It's a song I can work out to, or listen to when I need to get through a situation. Just a FF.

But back to the point: God wants me to suffer my way to my knees. What does it take to get Tiffany's attention onto me? She needs to keep her eyes on Me. I will help her do that.

So here I am, completely emotionless, and on my knees wondering when the fire ends. But at least I'm not doing this alone.

Yiruma

I'm not into classical music. I like indie, acoustic, folk, alternative, really anything but hip hop and rap. But this is Yiruma. His cds go for $80 on Amazon, he is from Japan, and he makes the most amazing music on the piano. I love listening to his music. So perfect and timeless. It's calming for me, especially when I drive. His music is so passionate and you really feel his emotion that he had when writing it. I love Yiruma.

Right now, I'm listening to his music. And write now, in this moment, I'm feeling down. Not because of him, but because my husband is away. And I'm feeling lonely and sad. This thing started yesterday at church when I had an unpleasant encounter with someone I really enjoyed, up until yesterday. In that moment, I wanted Tony to be there so badly, and he wasn't. Not there to defend me, or comfort me, and I had to face the fact that I was utterly embarrassed and ashamed by myself. What a lame feeling to feel. 

The story of how he's doing, what's new, and what's old is really obnoxious by now. I think I've said, "I just have to trust God has a bigger plan." so many times that I actually believe it now. At first I started to say it so people would back off, I didn't want to talk about why it's irrational for me to be upset or have fear, and really tired of fighting about why I'm in this situation in the first place, so I gave up and fed people what they wanted to hear: "I'm fine, I know that God will take care of us. So I really am okay." LIE. LIE. LIE. But now, I think after the one billionth time of saying I might actually be starting to believe it.

This is a scary position to be in. And I don't care what anyone says, I might have a made a few mistakes, and pregnancy might have been one where people went, "Good goin' Tiffany!" But Drake is a blessing, and I did the right thing by not terminating my pregnancy, so I don't think for one moment that I'm being punished by God because I got pregnant before marriage. I can't bring myself to think that the God I read about, and the God I believe in is punishing me for following what I know to be true: that is is His will, it always has been His plan, and He will take care of me as He's planned to do my entire life. He knew about Drake before I was born, and all of these things in my life were meant to be, and so they were. 

So here I am. Half frustrated, and mostly exhausted. Exhausted of talking, and arguing, and defending. I'm so tired of defending myself. And I sit and wonder where His promise to me kicks in, the He will take care of me. But then, in the big picture I realize, that I am being taken care of. I have a home, a family, a beautiful, perfect son, and wonderful husband, and life. I am being carried. And although this isn't going according to my  plan, doesn't mean that isn't going according to THE plan. And maybe my plan wasn't going to work out as I had intended. God has something better for the Sams' Clan. I know that to be true, because quite frankly, we can't do it as big and cool as He can. 

So I'll listen to Yiruma, and repeat His words back to myself:

"The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.

What can man do to me?

The Lord is on my side as my helper;

I shall look in triumph on those who hate me.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord

than to trust in man.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord

than to trust in princes.

—Psalm 118:6-9"

My Drake

Drake Vincent Sams

Born on March 6th, 2009 at 11:31 a.m.

7lb 4oz, 21in long

The happiest day of my life, by far. 

At first, when I found out that I was going to be a mother, my initial reaction was fear. I was so nervous about not being good at 'it'. And messing things up, it was a nerve racking time in my life, but only for a little bit.

The first real ultrasound, the one where you can hear the heartbeat for the first time, and see your little pea-like creature inside of your stomach- that feeling is unreal. It gives you such an excitement, beyond words. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was still nervous, but only because I didn't want anything bad to happen to it, and I still don't. That feeling never subsides. It was perfect. It brought tears to Tony's eyes, and it made me feel so whole. I could hardly wait for the day that he would be here.

My stomach grew...

...and grew. And finally the day had arrived, and it was time to get that perfect little boy out.

It was the best best best day of Tony and my life. Drake came out, and he was perfect, and we couldn't have prayed for something better to happen in our lives. 

(1 Day Old)

Now, Drake is 13 months old. My little man, my little Drake Vincent. I watch his personality bloom the older he gets, and it's amazing. Although time is flying too fast, I love waking up to him and his scowling face. He is my little prince, and he is perfect. 

I'm so blessed to have Drake as my son. I'm so blessed to be the only one who genuinely knows his personality. I am very very blessed. Here are some random things about Drake:

Drake is very stern. If you've ever met him, you know that he is always thinking something. He seems to be in a constant state of deep thought. He enjoys tedious work, like figuring out how to take something in and out of a bowl or cup, or picking up rocks, then dropping them, and picking them up again. He is very concentrated. He focuses on everything that he does, with a crinkled forehead, and narrow eyes. Drake scowls at strangers. It's very funny. I always cover his face in public, while jokingly saying, "Pay no attention to him." He is hysterical. The things Drake thinks are funny is entirely too cute, it is usually the most random thing like a sneeze or someone falling. 

He loves his daddy, and although we understand that after all this time Drake won't remember Tony, he loves his daddy. Tony and Drake have fun, they play and roughhouse and chase. It melts my heart to watch them together. I love how much Tony loves Drake. Drake's little giggle is so innocent and perfect. It is like a moment straight out of a movie, but it's even better: it's my life.

And, Drake genuinely loves me. You can laugh and say, "Of course he does!" But I will indeed glare at you, and think of how much I want to punch your face. Drake loves me. And it is the best feeling- the feeling of this tiny life looking to you for everything, not just food or a fresh diaper, but a kiss and a warm cuddle session. Drake longs to make me happy, to please me; he loves when I yell good job!  His smile is enough to pick me up out of a bad day, and light up a dull room. I love Drake more than anything in this entire life. He is my Drake, he is my prince, and he is completely perfect.

This is my tribute to my perfect son, Drake Vincent Sams. I hope one day he can look back on all of my writings about him and know that he is genuinely loved by Tony and I. He is the light of our lives, he gives us purpose and meaning. Drake is a joy, and a pleasant surprise. I will forever remained changed from the day that he took his first breath. I love my Drake.

My Tribute To My Husband

This is Tony, meet Tony, say, "Hi Tony, nice to meet you!"

This is my husband. He is a great husband, a great guy, and a great father to our son, Drake. Tony is in the Army, away for training in South Carolina. He is very missed, like...seriously missed. Nights are cold and lonely, days are quite and weird- it's not the same. 

Tony and I are BFFs. We've never been apart from each other for more than 24 hours in 3 years. Kind of weird, you say? Or we just really like each other, and even when we don't really like each other, I can usually get over it faster than him, and then say, "Common, you know you love me, so give it up, kid." If I had to tell you anything about Tony, I'd tell you a few important details. Here are some: He's actually extremely funny. One of my favorite memories of Tony is at Buca Di Beppo kneeling before a huge 14 person family, pretending to pray to the Pope. Oh, I almost wet my pants. There are many more, he is very sporadic, and sneaky. He never really gives himself away, keeps a straight face, and mostly only I can really tell when he's pulling someone's leg...most people just take him for a nut case and move on.

Tony is a softy. I don't think you could tell that by looking at him, he's tall, and cut, and always has a mean face on. Ha ha, I say that in the most loving way, too. But he is. Especially when it comes to me and Drake. Through all of his manly toughness, I know that deep down, it would kill him if anything ever happened to Drake or I. He's extremely protective of his family. If he feels someone was rude to me, he perks up and goes straight for them. I love that about him. No I don't want him to kill someone because they gave me a dirty look, but he always has my back, and front, as a good, great husband should.

Tony is strong. He is strong willed, physically strong, and he has a strong heart. Things that he never thought that he could make it through, he's battled until he felt like giving up. I've watched him take something head on, even when he knew it would be rough. He is strong for our family, he is strong for me. He knows what he wants, and he sticks to it. He is physically strong, and strong willed in remaining strong. He has taken a lot of crap from a lot of people to stay the man that he needs to be for his family. He has dealt with things that most people would have died over, literally. He is strong, and beautiful.

He is loved. I love him, our families love him, our friends love him, our son loves him. But most importantly, God loves Tony, more than I could ever love Tony. More than Tony could ever love Drake. More than words could describe. I know that he struggles with God's love. Accepting it, and believing it. But I know God loves Tony. I've watched their relationship spring in the last few months. I've watched God take care of Tony, guide him, lead him, and care for him even Tony can't see it. I watch how much God blesses Tony's life. God loves Tony, and He enjoys blessing him. I love this, and I love watching this. 

I love Tony, so much. He's my best friend. He's my only friend, really. The only one that cares for me sincerely. And I love that. Sometimes it's lonely, especially at this point. When I know that I don't have friends reaching out to lend a hand or just hang with me, he calls me, and it relieves my loneliness. He is so much of my life, and so much of my everything. Him and Drake are my world. He has no idea how much he means to me, or how much I would do for him. How much I appreciate his step towards the Army, although I know that it isn't ideal. See? He is truly strong.

I love our family. 

Tony, this is for you. I hope you know that you are thought of every moment of every day. I hope you know that we all pray for you and fro your strength. Know that God is holding your hand, and carrying you. He hold you in the pom of his hand. He guides your every move, he cares about you so much more than you could ever imagine. Don't doubt that, ever. He has worked in your life in so many ways, answered so many prayers that are so obvious that they are undeniable. 

You are His. Keep your chin up.

I love you.